I am feeling a bit down today. Mother's day is coming up and I'm not a mother, I'm not getting ready to be a mother, and I don't have a mother. Ok... I have one but I have essentially deleted her from my life. I haven't talked to her since a few months after Spring Break of 2003 when stuff went down. Almost 10 years I haven't talked to my mother, my brother hasn't wanted to for legal reasons and then reasons similar to mine, and since the major strife with my sister began.
Sometimes I wish things had gone differently that spring, but then I would still be blocking things out, burying my emotions, pretending things were OK. I was probably saved from worse heartache, as hard as that is to imagine, by having my eyes opened. I am safe, happy, in love. C is safe. Our careers are safe (as they can be under normal circumstances), our reputations are safe, our future children are safe.
I found out she blocked me on FB. I thought she had deleted her account but she blocked me. Yes, I was guilty of FB stalking her. I am worried now. She is probably pissed at me, and that is more dangerous than her being sad that I told her in an e-mail I wanted nothing more to do with her and then ceased contact. She is vindictive. So far my sister has respected my wish to not share my phone number or anything about me. As far as I know anyway. I hope it stays that way.
So yeah, I am feeling worried and sad about all that.
The other thing I am sad about is my perpetual lack of people very close to me. I have people I can call, that I can chat with, but not really to hang out with.
The last time I hung out with someone without C was probably January. No one calls me to talk to me regularly (to be fair, I don't call people either, I don't like to burden others too much and phone conversations have never felt natural to me). I only have one person who might call me to have a cup of coffee, but she has a bunch of obligations, a career, a baby. She has a regular monthly dinner date with friends. I would kill for that.
I would kill for a best friend really. I feel like I have always been on the search for a best friend. Gah, Best Friend. That sounds so high school. But even then I never had one. I had girl friends who ended up ditching me for someone better.
I have always just ended up the friend who people would think about last, or who would attach after someone else. "Oh, let's invite C and D." They would call C and just expect me to tag along.
It seems like am never the person who people think of first. I am the wallflower. The nice and crafty friend, but never the best friend. Never the person who someone would want as a matron of honor, or even bridesmaid, or to plan their baby shower, or bachelorette party, or anything else that a BFF would do.
Maybe I am being overdramatic. Like I said, I have friends. Friends all over the world. Some I haven't met in person but they could be related to me because they are always in my head, some that I love like crazy from my college and Korea experiences. It just hurts when they all talk about their BFF, or their lives and I feel like I'm always on the outside.
I do have one BFF. I married him. I love him. Most of the time I can calm my urge for closer friends by burying myself deeper in him and his stuff. Sometimes though, both he and I get tired of me having no regular person to talk to.
He tells me to invite myself to things, to plan things. I just can't. I used to, but I got tired of people who flaked, people who always cancelled, and I feel rude inviting myself to things. I always feel so terribly socially awkward. I have a hard time talking, lose track of my thoughts if I am interrupted (which I am, a lot), speaking up, organizing my thoughts and words in general.
I know I will feel better and more ambivalent about this tomorrow... but today I feel so lost. I just want someone who can regularly reciprocate in the exchange of feelings, thoughts, time. I want someone who would be overjoyed to have me be in their wedding, or would want to take a girls trip that I could afford... something.
Ok, I am done pining. Maybe one day I will meet someone who can fill this void. Maybe someday I will stop having these occasional down days and be thankful for all of the friends I do have. It's not like I am an actual social outcast or anything.
I need to stop being down and look at the good things. Focus on the pot of gold in my life.
Sometimes I wish things had gone differently that spring, but then I would still be blocking things out, burying my emotions, pretending things were OK. I was probably saved from worse heartache, as hard as that is to imagine, by having my eyes opened. I am safe, happy, in love. C is safe. Our careers are safe (as they can be under normal circumstances), our reputations are safe, our future children are safe.
I found out she blocked me on FB. I thought she had deleted her account but she blocked me. Yes, I was guilty of FB stalking her. I am worried now. She is probably pissed at me, and that is more dangerous than her being sad that I told her in an e-mail I wanted nothing more to do with her and then ceased contact. She is vindictive. So far my sister has respected my wish to not share my phone number or anything about me. As far as I know anyway. I hope it stays that way.
So yeah, I am feeling worried and sad about all that.
The other thing I am sad about is my perpetual lack of people very close to me. I have people I can call, that I can chat with, but not really to hang out with.
The last time I hung out with someone without C was probably January. No one calls me to talk to me regularly (to be fair, I don't call people either, I don't like to burden others too much and phone conversations have never felt natural to me). I only have one person who might call me to have a cup of coffee, but she has a bunch of obligations, a career, a baby. She has a regular monthly dinner date with friends. I would kill for that.
I would kill for a best friend really. I feel like I have always been on the search for a best friend. Gah, Best Friend. That sounds so high school. But even then I never had one. I had girl friends who ended up ditching me for someone better.
I have always just ended up the friend who people would think about last, or who would attach after someone else. "Oh, let's invite C and D." They would call C and just expect me to tag along.
It seems like am never the person who people think of first. I am the wallflower. The nice and crafty friend, but never the best friend. Never the person who someone would want as a matron of honor, or even bridesmaid, or to plan their baby shower, or bachelorette party, or anything else that a BFF would do.
Maybe I am being overdramatic. Like I said, I have friends. Friends all over the world. Some I haven't met in person but they could be related to me because they are always in my head, some that I love like crazy from my college and Korea experiences. It just hurts when they all talk about their BFF, or their lives and I feel like I'm always on the outside.
I do have one BFF. I married him. I love him. Most of the time I can calm my urge for closer friends by burying myself deeper in him and his stuff. Sometimes though, both he and I get tired of me having no regular person to talk to.
He tells me to invite myself to things, to plan things. I just can't. I used to, but I got tired of people who flaked, people who always cancelled, and I feel rude inviting myself to things. I always feel so terribly socially awkward. I have a hard time talking, lose track of my thoughts if I am interrupted (which I am, a lot), speaking up, organizing my thoughts and words in general.
I know I will feel better and more ambivalent about this tomorrow... but today I feel so lost. I just want someone who can regularly reciprocate in the exchange of feelings, thoughts, time. I want someone who would be overjoyed to have me be in their wedding, or would want to take a girls trip that I could afford... something.
Ok, I am done pining. Maybe one day I will meet someone who can fill this void. Maybe someday I will stop having these occasional down days and be thankful for all of the friends I do have. It's not like I am an actual social outcast or anything.
I need to stop being down and look at the good things. Focus on the pot of gold in my life.
