Feelings

Outside is sunny, but inside is not. I need to learn not to let other people get to me, to communicate better, to be more positive.

I just don't feel positive today. It feels like people don't listen to me. I try to talk about how I am feeling, but then it is about them, or what I should be doing, or something other than what I feel like I need.

I don't feel like I will ever get pregnant, and I KNOW there are things I could fix about myself, but I just can't bring myself to suck it up and do them. I know I am only on cycle 4 of trying, but I am on month 5 and it just seems like every cycle I don't know if my body is going to suddenly decide to work. And then our timing... well I would like to say it sucks, but I don't even know if it does or not.

I need to do something. I need a night out with friends, but every time I ever try to plan something, it never works out. It only seems to work when they plan something. I know I have plenty of people who care, but unless it is on their terms, or with both the Hubby (who I shall now refer to as C for ease of writing) and myself.

I know I have fallen into one of my clouds of funk and depression, and I know like every other time I will find a way out... but for now I feel hopeless. I can barely write, I don't want to draw, I don't want to knit or cook.

I need a day to myself with either nothing planned, or so much fun I can't stand it. I am supposed to attend a birthday party Saturday for one of C's classmates and I can't stand the idea of going and putting on a fake smile for people I barely know. I can't stand large groups and I can't stand trying to talk to a bunch of people at once.

Also, I just ate a whole small package of cookies. I shouldn't have done that.

I meet with a friend tonight to try and get help figuring out schooling, so I hope that helps a bit. Part of my funk has to do with uncertainty about school.

Tomorrow is a new day.