Again...

Again somehow I am on the wrong side of things.  I don't even know how to talk to people some days. Hump day is turning into dump on Nerdy girl day... or that is how it feels. Sometimes I feel like it's ok for others to let out their feelings and talk without being judged but I can't. I know it's not true... but that is how I feel today.

Sometimes I feel doomed. Doomed to never let things out the right way. Doomed by the way I was raised. Just... Doomed.

I just feel like everyone hates me again and I also feel like just by posting this I could be making it worse.

I just have to learn to suck it up I guess. I have always been a bit of a circulating body, doing things on my own. But I just have to remember that I am not on my own anymore. I have friends who love me and know my history and are willing to talk things out without judging me. I have a wonderful husband who I will hopefully start my family with soon.

I just hope I can shield my kids from many of the things I have had to deal with in my life. I hope I can teach them to communicate better than I can. I also hope they don't have to deal with all the inner criticism and doubt that I deal with every day.

In my head I am so alone
In my heart I am loved
I make mistakes
That is true
I just have to make it through
Tomorrow will be better
I will hope and pray that these dark days will subside
And tomorrow will be bright and sunny and warm

Um... maybe not tomorrow, this is Oregon after all!

As usual, this is a rambling and weird post.

Childhood Flashbacks

My Childhood. Sigh. What can I say other than it was bad? I am looking at the possibility of trying to find some good thing in there and write about it. I am truly struggling. I have found some way in my life to work past a lot of the things that happened... but when people ask me to find something good I have flashbacks of all the bad things. School... family...even some friends were all guilty of the bad parts.


I can't even write out the bad things because I feel like it's both divulging too much, is depressing, and I blocked out so much...

There were good things... I am just struggling remembering them.

What could I write about next week?

Horses
Trips to Seattle
Surprise Parties
Camping
Moving to Oregon
Boys and Kisses
Sailor Moon
Graduation
Moving Out

These are my highlights.

For now I must try to stop thinking about the bad parts. The parts that hurt me or caused me to hurt myself. I have move past these in my life and my life as an adult has mostly been great.

What will I do to try and perk up today? Well I have the Rose City Yarn Crawl and I have some yarn I have purchased. I might even get a new tattoo this weekend (to be determined still). I also see my adorable niece tomorrow. I have a damn good weekend ahead of me, so I WILL perk up and try and get past these bad memories.