Random Happiness

I realized something about myself today. I have always known that I go into sad depressed modes off and on, but it's never been a huge problem in my life. When I am not in my 'funks' I am pretty happy and very productive. Well today, I realized that when I am in a good mode, that is when I am the most excited by music.

I don't know why I suddenly realized this. I work with music every day right now. Pandora accompanies me through my day and I have choreographed hundreds of songs for my dad's fountains. I was sorting through soundtrack songs when I accidentally started playing this song:

 

And then, I found myself singing to it, and then I somehow found myself singing to this maybe five times. That's right, FIVE... I am a play it on repeat kind of girl:

 

After this, I kept listening to and singing along with various soundtracks, and this is when I came to the realization that I was smiling, and I only smile and sing along to music when I am happy and in a good place.

Realizing this is good, because it can give me a coping skill for the next time I find myself in a "funk" and I feel powerless to break it.

What's next for the repeat sing-a-long playlist?

 

 I Love NPH and I am obsessed with this song. C and I actually will sing each part of the duo together in the car. It's quite amazing, although C will never admit he does it. It's pretty much the closest thing we can come to calling "Our Song."

Feelings

Outside is sunny, but inside is not. I need to learn not to let other people get to me, to communicate better, to be more positive.

I just don't feel positive today. It feels like people don't listen to me. I try to talk about how I am feeling, but then it is about them, or what I should be doing, or something other than what I feel like I need.

I don't feel like I will ever get pregnant, and I KNOW there are things I could fix about myself, but I just can't bring myself to suck it up and do them. I know I am only on cycle 4 of trying, but I am on month 5 and it just seems like every cycle I don't know if my body is going to suddenly decide to work. And then our timing... well I would like to say it sucks, but I don't even know if it does or not.

I need to do something. I need a night out with friends, but every time I ever try to plan something, it never works out. It only seems to work when they plan something. I know I have plenty of people who care, but unless it is on their terms, or with both the Hubby (who I shall now refer to as C for ease of writing) and myself.

I know I have fallen into one of my clouds of funk and depression, and I know like every other time I will find a way out... but for now I feel hopeless. I can barely write, I don't want to draw, I don't want to knit or cook.

I need a day to myself with either nothing planned, or so much fun I can't stand it. I am supposed to attend a birthday party Saturday for one of C's classmates and I can't stand the idea of going and putting on a fake smile for people I barely know. I can't stand large groups and I can't stand trying to talk to a bunch of people at once.

Also, I just ate a whole small package of cookies. I shouldn't have done that.

I meet with a friend tonight to try and get help figuring out schooling, so I hope that helps a bit. Part of my funk has to do with uncertainty about school.

Tomorrow is a new day.

Again...

Again somehow I am on the wrong side of things.  I don't even know how to talk to people some days. Hump day is turning into dump on Nerdy girl day... or that is how it feels. Sometimes I feel like it's ok for others to let out their feelings and talk without being judged but I can't. I know it's not true... but that is how I feel today.

Sometimes I feel doomed. Doomed to never let things out the right way. Doomed by the way I was raised. Just... Doomed.

I just feel like everyone hates me again and I also feel like just by posting this I could be making it worse.

I just have to learn to suck it up I guess. I have always been a bit of a circulating body, doing things on my own. But I just have to remember that I am not on my own anymore. I have friends who love me and know my history and are willing to talk things out without judging me. I have a wonderful husband who I will hopefully start my family with soon.

I just hope I can shield my kids from many of the things I have had to deal with in my life. I hope I can teach them to communicate better than I can. I also hope they don't have to deal with all the inner criticism and doubt that I deal with every day.

In my head I am so alone
In my heart I am loved
I make mistakes
That is true
I just have to make it through
Tomorrow will be better
I will hope and pray that these dark days will subside
And tomorrow will be bright and sunny and warm

Um... maybe not tomorrow, this is Oregon after all!

As usual, this is a rambling and weird post.