Well... That last cycle failed so I am officially on a cycle break. We are NTNP, but as I don't think my body is going to ovulate on it's own, it feels pointless, so it's almost not even the NTNP. C FINALLY got a new job (YAY!!) so I no longer have to sleep alone most nights and his schedule will be similar to mine for the first time in years. That might help in terms of timing.
I got all my stupid tests done that Kaiser wanted. The only useful one? I am now reminded that I am an A+, so C can donate blood to me in an emergency and I don't have any RH factor worries.
Now Kaiser can rest assured that I am immune to Chicken Pox (Duh), I don't have syphilis (eyeroll), gonorrhea (told you), chlamydia (F you Kaiser), Hepatitis, or HIV. I might be forgetting one, but whatever it was, I DON'T have it. I'm still so annoyed at that (obviously), because apparently policy says that they don't give a crap if you have been 100% faithful and with your s/o for 13 years, and tested two years prior.
UGH. Oh well. It's over. They have the results and will finally move ahead.
I have a follow-up on Thursday where they will officially come up with my new plan. They will probably tell me to go to OHSU or The Oregon Fertility Clinic again. And I will tell them to F off again.
They are also going to tell me to lose weight because I am prediabetic. Yeah, I told you that Kaiser. Plus, I ate a freaking donut before the tests, so that is why I had glucose in my urine and excess in my blood. The funny thing? Most people have glucose in their urine after eating a high sugar donut. Stupid.
Do I need to lose weight? Yes. Would it probably help getting pregnant? Probably. Does it help working a high stress full time job AND going to school while the husband was working nights and very stressed? No. We both put on weight these last two years. I need to join a gym and I plan on it as soon as he gets a couple paychecks. I also plan on trying yoga.
I am mostly just feeling very angry and down right now. All of my friends who were actively trying are now pregnant. All of my friends with PCOS issues are now pregnant. Some of my co-workers are now pregnant. One of my kids at work had prenatals delivered today and I am just hoping she didn't get her 17-year old butt pregnant.
I feel lost. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to or help me other than C. I know he is lost and devastated too, but he doesn't have anything wrong with him. People tell me they are there to talk but I either feel like all they can say is "I'm sorry" and "this sucks" and "this isn't fair" or "get motivated, change, lose weight." I am depressed. It's not that easy, I take some steps and then get lost in an invisible bubble over my head. C suggested therapy. My insurance covers exactly 4 sessions. Where the hell is that going to get me? Depression meds that my PCP will prescribe and my insurance won't cover that I probably couldn't take if I got pregnant? Or the recommendation for $80+ of counseling sessions a month? Not good options in my opinion.
I just hope this happens soon. Kaiser doesn't want to treat me. They will only do 2, maybe 3 more Clomid rounds, and there was some talk of maybe Femara, but I was confused on if they provide it or want the expensive IF clinics to provide it, thus not being covered by insurance at all. I don't even have any idea how much Kaiser will charge me because they refused to tell me when I asked and spent hours talking to different people. I just hope they will do the 100mg of Clomid, my left ovary responds with at least two follicles and it works. I don't even care about the possibility of twinning at all anymore.
Because otherwise...
My worst fears will be confirmed...
We won't be able to afford IVF unless we take out loans...
And so I will officially never be a mother...
I will never get to have that undefined "thing" that parents in my professional life always try to shove at me...
I will 100% undeniably and unavoidably be...
Broken.
C hates when I say that about myself. I know I will get past it if it comes to that, but right now I am emotionally breaking. Shattering really. I move on. I find things to keep me busy. I have fun in my life and try and love the little things.
I got all my stupid tests done that Kaiser wanted. The only useful one? I am now reminded that I am an A+, so C can donate blood to me in an emergency and I don't have any RH factor worries.
Now Kaiser can rest assured that I am immune to Chicken Pox (Duh), I don't have syphilis (eyeroll), gonorrhea (told you), chlamydia (F you Kaiser), Hepatitis, or HIV. I might be forgetting one, but whatever it was, I DON'T have it. I'm still so annoyed at that (obviously), because apparently policy says that they don't give a crap if you have been 100% faithful and with your s/o for 13 years, and tested two years prior.
UGH. Oh well. It's over. They have the results and will finally move ahead.
I have a follow-up on Thursday where they will officially come up with my new plan. They will probably tell me to go to OHSU or The Oregon Fertility Clinic again. And I will tell them to F off again.
They are also going to tell me to lose weight because I am prediabetic. Yeah, I told you that Kaiser. Plus, I ate a freaking donut before the tests, so that is why I had glucose in my urine and excess in my blood. The funny thing? Most people have glucose in their urine after eating a high sugar donut. Stupid.
Do I need to lose weight? Yes. Would it probably help getting pregnant? Probably. Does it help working a high stress full time job AND going to school while the husband was working nights and very stressed? No. We both put on weight these last two years. I need to join a gym and I plan on it as soon as he gets a couple paychecks. I also plan on trying yoga.
I am mostly just feeling very angry and down right now. All of my friends who were actively trying are now pregnant. All of my friends with PCOS issues are now pregnant. Some of my co-workers are now pregnant. One of my kids at work had prenatals delivered today and I am just hoping she didn't get her 17-year old butt pregnant.
I feel lost. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to or help me other than C. I know he is lost and devastated too, but he doesn't have anything wrong with him. People tell me they are there to talk but I either feel like all they can say is "I'm sorry" and "this sucks" and "this isn't fair" or "get motivated, change, lose weight." I am depressed. It's not that easy, I take some steps and then get lost in an invisible bubble over my head. C suggested therapy. My insurance covers exactly 4 sessions. Where the hell is that going to get me? Depression meds that my PCP will prescribe and my insurance won't cover that I probably couldn't take if I got pregnant? Or the recommendation for $80+ of counseling sessions a month? Not good options in my opinion.
I just hope this happens soon. Kaiser doesn't want to treat me. They will only do 2, maybe 3 more Clomid rounds, and there was some talk of maybe Femara, but I was confused on if they provide it or want the expensive IF clinics to provide it, thus not being covered by insurance at all. I don't even have any idea how much Kaiser will charge me because they refused to tell me when I asked and spent hours talking to different people. I just hope they will do the 100mg of Clomid, my left ovary responds with at least two follicles and it works. I don't even care about the possibility of twinning at all anymore.
Because otherwise...
My worst fears will be confirmed...
We won't be able to afford IVF unless we take out loans...
And so I will officially never be a mother...
I will never get to have that undefined "thing" that parents in my professional life always try to shove at me...
I will 100% undeniably and unavoidably be...
Broken.
C hates when I say that about myself. I know I will get past it if it comes to that, but right now I am emotionally breaking. Shattering really. I move on. I find things to keep me busy. I have fun in my life and try and love the little things.
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