I am honestly struggling. This post is probably going to be used to 'out myself' to some people who don't know the deal yet.
I know a couple of my friends read this blog, so you all might have a small idea of what is going on, but as I have been relatively tight-lipped about my TTC process up until now, using phrases like "Oh, it's going" when people ask me how it's going. I haven't even told my family or C's family about our process because I really don't want to deal with the constant emotional roller coaster of
"Are you pregnant YET?"
I already get too much of the dreaded
"SO.... When are you and C having kids? You are going to be amazing parents!"
And from the ones who know we are trying but haven't been successful yet
"Don't worry, you will be parents soon. You deserve it." "You will be the most wonderful parents very soon." "You have time, don't rush." and "God has a plan for you." Bleck. I DON'T want to hear this right now!!
I can't even describe how much these questions have just torn me apart over the years. I am 29 years old. I have been wanting to have kids since I was 13. I was smart though and knew I didn't really want kids until I was at least 23.
23 came and went and I wasn't even married yet. 25 came and I was finally married, but nope, not ready for the kids financially or career-wise. 28 came and C was finally in his last year of grad school and we decided to start trying on November 1st 2012. I went off my final packet of birth control on Halloween. Trick or Treat!
Well, I thought I would get the treat, but apparently I have gotten the trick. I guess the irony is that on Halloween it is a popular trick to egg houses. The trick on me is that my body apparently refuses to ovulate. No eggs = no chances and no treats for me. After tracking my body's cycles for 9 months, it looks like I MAYBE ovulated twice. That's not normal.
In the last 9 months I have had 7 cycles due to longer than average cycles. None of these have been the typically long PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) cycles, but they have ranged from a 20 day cycle to a 42 day cycle. Today I am on day 42 with only a couple signs of CD 1 being soon. Last cycle I had a two week period.
That's right. Two weeks. Apparently that is normal when a woman is having anovulatory cycles. You know how they fix long periods? You either wait it out and pray, or they put you back on birth control to 're-set' everything. I don't want to go on the pill again. That defeats the purpose of TTC.
People told me for months that my body was probably regulating after the years of birth control. Well, 9 months later it should be regulating but it seems to be getting less and less regular.
At this point I am frustrated, depressed, angry, full of jealousy, and losing more and more hope everyday. This cycle I have been skipping some of my usual tracking mechanisms because I just feel hopeless putting so much time and energy into tracking all but the basics when nothing has changed.
Usually people have to wait one year of trying before they see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) because "it can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant." But it looks like I am not healthy.
I am feeling really resistant to going though. I can't stand doctors. I never have been able to, which is kind of ironic since I want to be a nurse. I don't have anything against doctors personally, if fact I know a few and like them well enough. I just hate being poked and prodded and made to feel like patient #132,545,852. I hate shots. I hate being cut into. I hate feeling embarrassed about my body when they are examining me. I hate being sick. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me. Like I am broken.
I just feel like this is one more thing. I have always been "too heavy," "too tall," "too large breasted"... blah blah blah.
People keep telling me it's OK to make the call for my referral, but I just keep procrastinating. I don't know when, or if I will make the call.
I have honestly been considering adoption or becoming a foster parent more and more, but it tears me up to think of not being pregnant at least once. I know it's still early, I still have options, I only need to explore them. I need to work to come to terms with what my next step will be.
Honestly I think I am waiting for C to graduate so that he can support me better and lend more energy to the process. I need someone else to help push me in a direction, any direction.
So for now, I am coming to terms that I am probably going to be designated "IF" soon.
This makes me so sad.
So if you are reading this and I haven't told you in person. Please don't confront me with this information. Don't tell me how 9 months isn't very long to be trying. Don't tell me how "it will happen" because it might NOT happen. I will honestly probably not want to talk to anyone about it. There are a few people who I might want to talk to, but I think they know who they are.
Ask me how I am. Ask me about school. Ask me anything.
Just don't ask me about IF. I don't have any answers yet.
I know a couple of my friends read this blog, so you all might have a small idea of what is going on, but as I have been relatively tight-lipped about my TTC process up until now, using phrases like "Oh, it's going" when people ask me how it's going. I haven't even told my family or C's family about our process because I really don't want to deal with the constant emotional roller coaster of
"Are you pregnant YET?"
I already get too much of the dreaded
"SO.... When are you and C having kids? You are going to be amazing parents!"
And from the ones who know we are trying but haven't been successful yet
"Don't worry, you will be parents soon. You deserve it." "You will be the most wonderful parents very soon." "You have time, don't rush." and "God has a plan for you." Bleck. I DON'T want to hear this right now!!
I can't even describe how much these questions have just torn me apart over the years. I am 29 years old. I have been wanting to have kids since I was 13. I was smart though and knew I didn't really want kids until I was at least 23.
23 came and went and I wasn't even married yet. 25 came and I was finally married, but nope, not ready for the kids financially or career-wise. 28 came and C was finally in his last year of grad school and we decided to start trying on November 1st 2012. I went off my final packet of birth control on Halloween. Trick or Treat!
Well, I thought I would get the treat, but apparently I have gotten the trick. I guess the irony is that on Halloween it is a popular trick to egg houses. The trick on me is that my body apparently refuses to ovulate. No eggs = no chances and no treats for me. After tracking my body's cycles for 9 months, it looks like I MAYBE ovulated twice. That's not normal.
In the last 9 months I have had 7 cycles due to longer than average cycles. None of these have been the typically long PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) cycles, but they have ranged from a 20 day cycle to a 42 day cycle. Today I am on day 42 with only a couple signs of CD 1 being soon. Last cycle I had a two week period.
That's right. Two weeks. Apparently that is normal when a woman is having anovulatory cycles. You know how they fix long periods? You either wait it out and pray, or they put you back on birth control to 're-set' everything. I don't want to go on the pill again. That defeats the purpose of TTC.
People told me for months that my body was probably regulating after the years of birth control. Well, 9 months later it should be regulating but it seems to be getting less and less regular.
At this point I am frustrated, depressed, angry, full of jealousy, and losing more and more hope everyday. This cycle I have been skipping some of my usual tracking mechanisms because I just feel hopeless putting so much time and energy into tracking all but the basics when nothing has changed.
Usually people have to wait one year of trying before they see a reproductive endocrinologist (RE) because "it can take a healthy couple up to a year to get pregnant." But it looks like I am not healthy.
I am feeling really resistant to going though. I can't stand doctors. I never have been able to, which is kind of ironic since I want to be a nurse. I don't have anything against doctors personally, if fact I know a few and like them well enough. I just hate being poked and prodded and made to feel like patient #132,545,852. I hate shots. I hate being cut into. I hate feeling embarrassed about my body when they are examining me. I hate being sick. I hate feeling like there is something wrong with me. Like I am broken.
I just feel like this is one more thing. I have always been "too heavy," "too tall," "too large breasted"... blah blah blah.
People keep telling me it's OK to make the call for my referral, but I just keep procrastinating. I don't know when, or if I will make the call.
I have honestly been considering adoption or becoming a foster parent more and more, but it tears me up to think of not being pregnant at least once. I know it's still early, I still have options, I only need to explore them. I need to work to come to terms with what my next step will be.
Honestly I think I am waiting for C to graduate so that he can support me better and lend more energy to the process. I need someone else to help push me in a direction, any direction.
So for now, I am coming to terms that I am probably going to be designated "IF" soon.
This makes me so sad.
So if you are reading this and I haven't told you in person. Please don't confront me with this information. Don't tell me how 9 months isn't very long to be trying. Don't tell me how "it will happen" because it might NOT happen. I will honestly probably not want to talk to anyone about it. There are a few people who I might want to talk to, but I think they know who they are.
Ask me how I am. Ask me about school. Ask me anything.
Just don't ask me about IF. I don't have any answers yet.
I am so sorry you are going through this :-(
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