Words Hurt

I keep starting this post and not knowing where to go with it. Something very upsetting happened to me on Tuesday. My husband's grandmother had me on the verge of a breakdown.

So here is what happened.

My husband's grandmother was diagnosed with leukemia back I. September. Because of her age and because she has diabetes and had been having her blood monitored for te past couple if years, they held off on testing for 6 months. She was tested on Monday to determine what kind of leukemia she has, but we are still waiting on the results.

On Tuesday we had her over for dinner so that we could visit with her. The conversation was pleasant but inevitably led to her leukemia testing. She told us how she didn't know yet, but then went on to say:

"I told my church friends that I couldn't die until C and D have a baby and my other grandchildren graduate from college."

Luckily C kept talking because I almost lost it. She has been showing excitement for us to have a baby now for years and even though we didn't officially tell her that we had started, C tells her a lot and he told her in the summer that we would start trying in the fall.

This one comment made me feel like a failure. It made me wish I could have convinced C to get married earlier, maybe not go to Korea so that he could have started grad school earlier, pushed to go off birth control sooner, worked harder to get a handle on my weight... something. I want to have a baby so badly, and I want to give my husband a baby, and I want to give her a great-grand baby and make her proud.

She is like a mother to C and I just feel like if I can't get pregnant fast our baby might never be able to know what a wonderful loving woman she is and that tears me apart.

I know I am only on cycle 4. I know I have time. I know it is not my fault that I am not pregnant yet. It will happen one day, somehow, we will be parents. I just don't want time to run out for her this soon. We have so much to share with her. C and I will both be devastated when she passes. She is now kind of like a mother to me.

I am praying so hard that her leukemia will be mild and easily treatable. I am praying that I can deal with whatever life throws at me in these next few months.

I know she wasn't trying to be insensitive. She was trying to be positive in the face of something very scary. There are enough insensitive people in my life recently that I know better than to think she was being insensitive. It just hurt oh so badly.